revolution// history

so i just finnished up an organic revo weekend.

i have to say i was not looking forward to going but i am soooo glad i did. you see every revo in the passed (this may be a slight exaggeration) focused on winning people to God. < i dispise that phrase by the way becasue i don't think God should need a term like winning and losing-- he controls all.

anyways. i know all the "sunday school" answers. duh. i grew up at church and "walked down the isle" at five, baptised at six. i have always accepted this Christian way of life as the one and only way and in my passed it showed:
in 4th grade i led a girl (one year younger- i forgot her name) on my destination imagination team to christ because even at this young age i was fully involved with god. i read a divotional everynight. everysinglenight. in 7th grade i led two of my best friends to christ and that same year i was asked by an aquantence to help lead some other girl in "the magic prayer"

i look back on this time in my life and i wonder what was going on in my head. saying a stupid prayer means nothing. its the thought and decision behind it- it is total surrender.

this bible bangin times slowly lessened throughout 9th grade as i became more open minded. then about a year ago i became stagnet in my faith. i went to chruch to see friends. i went through all the motions. all the "good christian" things-- i did them.

one day in newspaper class 2 of my guy friends asked my why i believed what i do and the strangest thing happened-- i had no answer. all my life i had been the one other people turned to for the answers and at that point i had none. i said something along the lines of i always have- the bible is so old how could it not be true and -if it isn't true, and least i lead a good life and if it is true i wont go to hell.

listen to that.
if it isn't true, at least i lead a good life and if it is i won't go to hell.

is this what the church has brainwashed our younger generation into thinking? there are so many things wrong with that sentence that i don't know where to begin.
if it isn't true- we are all screwed because the life we lead is difficult and can be persived by the outside world and boring and no fun.
going to hell should NOT be a reason to accept jesus. fear is not a tactic that should even be thought about.

anyways. that is where my questioning began.
during summer i joined barbarians- a group that reads and discusses passages and books in the bible. i learned a lot but i still felt empty and careless.

i slowly began not caring about church- it was just another thing to do and i know all the answers.
i look back and think of it like this: when school is too easy for a child they stop trying. they need to be pushed to dig deeper.
that is me- i needed to be pushed to dig deeper.

over the christmas holiday emerson was in town. one evening he was over at my house and downstairs some eveangelical church was on tv talking about how "the pastors hands were laid on me and i was healed from cancer". pardon my french but bull shit. i don't doubt that this can happen, but i dont think that god would use it to be put on tv to try and "win people to his side." this sparked a converssation between me and him (he is unitarian universalist) and we talked for a long time about beliefs and i kept contradicting myself but it didn't matter because it was more me listening and asking him what he thinks and wondering why and if it could be right, ect.
this thinking didn't just end. i dwelled on it for a very long time, but only in my head.
according to my journal, on jan 16 i wrote: i have been asking more and more questions about my faith and what i believe. it goes on to talk about how in sunday school i bring everyone off topic to ask things like- does prayer work or is it mainly for comfort? (God knows all that will happen so does asking him for something change his plans?) and free will// rules and right&wrong.
i wrote in 20 pages from the 16th to the 19th where i looked up what the bible says about different issues and the velvet elvis and transendentalism and bhuddism and tao and islam... i was searching and not sleeping well and full of the feeling that i couldn't just skim the surface. everything in those days led me into deep thought.

then for next two weeks i tried not to think. about anything. at all.



wow. i have been rambling for some time now.
anyways back to revo.
the junior and seniors were split into a group with Rustin Klafka, a really awesome guy who intregued me.. he was more radical in his thinking and things he said felt like they could have come out of my own mouth like (paraphrasing) "good was teh wednesday/sunday god who was there when i needed to vent. he never penetraited the soul. it was all the same old stuff-- i heard the stories before-- became stale and hated life, people around me. i became depressed, didn't care about anything. NOTHING FELT RIGHT."
he said God should be a delicasy like honey.
that we make god be who we want him to be.. but what if he is outside all classifications?
don't be afraid to say "i dont know"..........
we seperate our physical lifes from our spiritual, when really we are 100% both.
we have faith with the mind when we should have faith w/ the heart.
there should be no seperation b/w church and texting, being on the phone, ect.
GOD DOESNT LIVE IN THE DIRT OF JUDAH............
sometimes we focus on one thing we dont agree with and stop listening<< GUILTY!
if we think we understand all of him he is back in our box.
he is greater than family problems and drama
3 types of diciples: those who don't believe but seek, thoses who believed and followed, those of jesus' 12

Kinberly our leader said:
you are a soul with a body, not a body with a soul
we have to be volnerable and allow god to change us
THE OPPOSITE OF FAITH ISN'T DOUBT BUT CERTANTY.





well. all this was good, untill we decided to take communion.
communion is all about recognising the sacrifice of jesus- but all i could think of over and over and over was why is jesus the guy? why is he gods son? why do you believe that!?
i took communion and continued into worship not being able to think on anything else. i wanted to ask rustin but i didn't want to interupt his worship so i waited.

then like 20 million songs came on about how jesus gave his blood and all that churchy jazz and i couldn't take it. i could feel god so strongly that i just started to cry. i felt so helpless. so i decided to just go ask.

it was a good thing i did because it was exactally what i needed.
here's the just of what i remeber..
we cant know gods grace. everything isn't all about knowing. i am thinking too much with my mind and not just trusting and living through my heart. it was amazing because Rustin kept bringing up buddha and other religions that i had been pondering on and it was just something i can not explain. he said it is important to understand that god continually throughout the old testament tried to get the people to understand. but instead they didn't listen and so god came to show us how to live. we still didn't listen and endded up killing jesus. he then had to defeat death and rose again. Rustin said it is important to accept this sacrafice but it is more important to focus on God.




i am still pondering. and will continue pondering at a later date.. i am so tired.




p.s. i wish this had spell check.