I decided to write another blog because the issue of privacy keeps coming up in my head.
In class we were talking about how one's age effects the amount of privacy one can have. In my group we had a range of different privacy levels given to us by our parents. Katy's parents were very respectful of her right to privacy but Kody's parents required his door to always be open (unless he was changing) or risk it being taken off its hinges. Candace also had limited privacy.
I had a lot of privacy until my junior year of high school. Junior year, I met new friends and started drinking on the weekends. This is also the time that my boyfriend and I began dating. We skipped school one day, and got caught in a web of lies- leading to police getting involved. That led to a huge decrease in privacy. I was grounded for the first time-- meaning no phone, and no outings except church, work and school for 2 weeks, and I was not allowed to date emerson anymore. I still managed to see emerson by skipping church, etc. They caught me (they had put a GPS on my phone). More trouble. After that, I stayed low on their radar for a bit. Emerson moved to Cali to live with his dad for a bit but we stayed together--talking all the time. This made it easier for me to go out with their trust because I hung out with the girls a lot. We still drank- I got caught with alcohol in my car by my parents a couple of times but they just told me to be careful.
The end of Junior year summer I got into a ton of trouble. It wasn't a law-breaking kind of trouble, more of a moral discrepancy, but my parents went all mortal-combat-RAGE on me. I never knew how they found out until about a month ago when my mom told me she most definitely was reading my journal through this whole time. I was so angry. Even talking about this now makes me angry.
Here's why- what I wrote in my journal was sometimes not true. also, it was my space to be creative without judgement. Also, it really bothers me that my mom never asked me about anything. she never tried to have an open (without judgement) and honest conversation about drugs (which I wasn't using), alcohol (which I was using) or religious ideas (which I was questioning).
But, as a young adult thinking about my own future family, I know that I cannot say "never" will I purposefully invade my children's belongings because I can definitely understand that there are situations in which this may be needed. however, if I am just suspecting something, I hope that I will remember how much more meaningful an open conversation can be.
In class we were talking about how one's age effects the amount of privacy one can have. In my group we had a range of different privacy levels given to us by our parents. Katy's parents were very respectful of her right to privacy but Kody's parents required his door to always be open (unless he was changing) or risk it being taken off its hinges. Candace also had limited privacy.
I had a lot of privacy until my junior year of high school. Junior year, I met new friends and started drinking on the weekends. This is also the time that my boyfriend and I began dating. We skipped school one day, and got caught in a web of lies- leading to police getting involved. That led to a huge decrease in privacy. I was grounded for the first time-- meaning no phone, and no outings except church, work and school for 2 weeks, and I was not allowed to date emerson anymore. I still managed to see emerson by skipping church, etc. They caught me (they had put a GPS on my phone). More trouble. After that, I stayed low on their radar for a bit. Emerson moved to Cali to live with his dad for a bit but we stayed together--talking all the time. This made it easier for me to go out with their trust because I hung out with the girls a lot. We still drank- I got caught with alcohol in my car by my parents a couple of times but they just told me to be careful.
The end of Junior year summer I got into a ton of trouble. It wasn't a law-breaking kind of trouble, more of a moral discrepancy, but my parents went all mortal-combat-RAGE on me. I never knew how they found out until about a month ago when my mom told me she most definitely was reading my journal through this whole time. I was so angry. Even talking about this now makes me angry.
Here's why- what I wrote in my journal was sometimes not true. also, it was my space to be creative without judgement. Also, it really bothers me that my mom never asked me about anything. she never tried to have an open (without judgement) and honest conversation about drugs (which I wasn't using), alcohol (which I was using) or religious ideas (which I was questioning).
Once I left for college, return visits home brought with it more honest conversations with my parents. I learned about my parents' past and they were surprised to learn that I really wasn't lying about not using drugs. I think those conversations were needed throughout my life. I wish they would have been more honest with me and made those "talks" more into conversations.
I also want to say that I know they did the best they knew how with me (the oldest), and I don't want them to think they failed me.
But, as a young adult thinking about my own future family, I know that I cannot say "never" will I purposefully invade my children's belongings because I can definitely understand that there are situations in which this may be needed. however, if I am just suspecting something, I hope that I will remember how much more meaningful an open conversation can be.
Personally, I know I have some pretty high-minded ideas about how I will parent. I guess we never know until we are there, but I also hope that most importantly and above all else, I will have the kind of relationship with my children that we can talk about things we disagree on, and respect each other enough to be considerate of privacy and personal choices. I think it's really important to do what you are doing and remember the ways in which we felt our privacy or autonomy were compromised or infringed on so that we can be more thoughtful of our own children as parents. We won't be perfect, but hopefully being able to admit that will help. <3
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